Imran Khan & I ...

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This is the story of Tazeen and Imran Khan. It tells us how some people grow up and realize things are not what they seem to be and how some other people regress and become abysmally dense.

1992

Tazeen is a super excited kid. She is one of those kids who will get the chance to meet one of her all time favourite heroes Imran Khan. Not only will she meet him, she will be awarded a badge (along with a goody bag with Imran Khan’s autographed poster) which says, ‘Imran's Tigers’ because Tazeen has raised sufficient amount of funds for the Shaukat Khanum Memorial Trust (a trust founded by Imran Khan) by selling raffle tickets. So determined was Tazeen to earn that 'Imran's Tigers' badge that she twisted the arm of her mother’s jeweler (a Memon Seth of all the people) and sold him a good 100 raffle tickets. Tazeen was ecstatic when she received her badge and shook hands with Imran Khan. Much to her mother’s chagrin, she plastered Imran Khan’s autographed poster in her room for next two years.

1996

Imran Khan launches a political party. Tazeen is no longer a child and is a bit skeptical about Imran Khan’s political future, but she has complete faith in the man. After all, Imran Khan is one of those very few Pakistanis who excelled at whatever they did (cricket, philanthropy, fund raising etc) and she thought politics would be the same.

2002

Tazeen is just out of school, a fresh faced journalist working for a newspaper, and is excited about being able to vote for the first time. She has plans about voting for Mr. Imran Khan’s party. Just before elections, she gets the chance to attend an event hosted in honor of Mr Imran Khan by some women in media group. Imran Khan spoke at length about the importance of justice and fair play. Tazeen is suitably impressed and asks Mr. Khan about his party’s stance on CEDAW. CEDAW is a UN Convention for Eradication of Discrimination Against Women which was signed by People’s Party government, but no further legislation was carried out at either national or provincial level to to modify the laws in accordance with CEDAW. Mr. Khan first asks his associate what CEDAW is. For a politician who is running an election campaign and is talking exclusively with women journalists, it is a gaffe of the highest order. The associate turns out to be just as clueless about CEDAW as Mr. Khan. When Tazeen explains what CEDAW is and asks Mr. Khan about his policy to redress the discriminatory laws, he refuses to acknowledge that there are any discriminatory laws against women in Pakistan. When Tazeen points out Hudood Ordinance, he says that Huddod laws are necessary to keep the morality of people in check. Tazeen is highly disturbed and a little sad at the degeneration of her childhood hero.


2003-04

Tazeen is in England, studying for her Masters degree. Imran Khan got divorced and the news is plastered all over, from respectable newspapers such as Guardian and Times to tabloids such as Sun and Daily Mirror. Everyone had an opinion about it, including Tazeen's Greek & Philippino flatmates. Someone said that Imran Khan mistreated his wife. Tazeen defended Imran Khan's honor and that of her country and refused to believe that Ms. Khan was mistreated by anyone in Pakistan, including her former husband.


2006

Tazeen has all but given up on Imran Khan. A man who once asked Junoon to come up with Ehtesab anthem (a song about accountability of politicians in Pakistan) which took pot shots at BB, Zardari and Nawaz Sharif now takes his political cues from the same Man of Steel (that’s Nawaz Sharif for the uninitiated) and follows an extremely right wing political ideology (if it can be called that).


2007

Tazeen visibly cringes every time Imran Khan appears on Hamid Mir’s talk show and says, “Hamad, tumhain naheen pata, main batata hoon.” (Hamid, you don’t know anything, let me tell you how it all goes).

2008

Tazeen is invited to present a paper at an International symposium on Democracy. Imran Khan is chairing a session. Although it had nothing to do with the session he was chairing, Imran Khan first regaled every one with tales of courage & valor of Justice Iftekhar Chaudhry and then about the impeccable justice system of jirga courts operated by tribes across the country. (Jirga is a council of influential and rich men of a certain tribe who settle disputes amongst themselves. Most often, these disputes are settled through cash payments or through marrying off young girls to men of inappropriate age and/or character as compensation for a crime committed).

Tazeen is neither a super excited kid, nor a fresh faced journalist who is easily impressed by a celebrity. Tazeen is now a cynic par excellence and asks Mr. Khan how can he support independent judiciary and an alternative justice system of jirga court. Aren’t they mutually exclusive? Imran Khan apparently mistook Tazeen for Hamid Mir (although she looks nothing like the infamous Hamid Mir and does not sport a moustache) and says, “Bibi apko kuch naheen pata, main batata hoon.” (bibi, you don’t know anything, let me tell you how it all goes). Tazeen has had enough of Imran Khan and his relentless support for jirga. She intercepts and says, “But Khan Sahib, how can you support a system which institutionally excludes women and poor men from the decision making process?” Imran Khan loses it at that and lashes out at Tazeen. He is red in his face and foaming at the corners of his mouth and says, “Bibi, you stopped me in mid sentence, that’s bad tameezi (bad manners) and I don’t talk to bad tameez (ill mannered) people.”


2009

Tazeen now thinks that Imran Khan is not even a real politician. He is a “Made for TV Politician” who is only good at riling other people in political discussion or telling Hamid Mir that is he is a nincompoop and does not know anything. Tazeen believes that Imran Khan would start doing hair implant infomercials in future which would go something like this:

Main pehlay buhat ganja tha jis ki wajah se kaafe pareshan rehta tha, meri biwi bhi mujhe chor ke chalee gayee, phir mujhe kisi ne Azmat Nai se baal lagwanay ka mashwara diya, bas main forun hi Azmat Nai ke paas gaya ……

Moral of the story: For better or for worse, everything changes.


This post has way too many Desi references and people outside Pakistan & India may not even get it. Many apologies for that.

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Reign of terror … continues

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According to New York Times, 70 police officers were beheaded, shot or otherwise slain in Swat last year. The police have become so afraid that many officers have put advertisements in newspapers renouncing their jobs so the Taliban will not kill them.

Al Jazeera English also laments the paradise lost in this piece.

The radical cleric uses FM radio to pass on his decrees to the local population. So effective is his grip on the valley, that the government's influence is now largely confined to just 36 square kilometres of territory in and around Mingora.
Fazalullah runs a self-styled judiciary, which hears cases and hands down verdicts.
A treasury collects ushr (the Islamic practice of collecting one-tenth of agricultural produce). Last month, they also collected animal hides worth millions of rupees on Eid Al Adha, the Muslim festival of sacrifice.

His feared - and well-equipped - rebel army reportedly takes its cue from Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan, an extremist organisation headed by Baitullah Masud, the commander suspected of authoring the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, a former prime minister, in 2007.

The NYT article also has a priceless quote by Maj. Gen. Athar Abbas, the chief military spokesman. He came up with this absolute gem:

“Just because they (The Taliban) come out at night and throw down four or five bodies in the square does not mean that militants control anything.”

I wonder how the families of those four or five bodies thrown in the square would react to such a cavalier response to the death of their loved ones.


PS: At times I do wonder if we deserve people like Mullah Fazlullah lording over us, after all, a group of people who actually gather to watch public lashings and beheadings deserve someone like him.


Image courtesy: European Pressphoto Agency via NYT

The oldest first time father !

He probably is the oldest first time father and it seems everyone is happy about it. In Wellington, New Zealand, an indigenous reptile regarded as one of the last living remnants of the dinosaurs has become a father for the first time at the age of 111, yeah that’s a hundred an eleven years.

Henry the tuatara and his younger mate Mildred produced a dozen eggs last year at the Southland Museum on New Zealand's South Island.

Tuatara curator Lindsay Hazley said Wednesday Henry has lived at the museum's special enclosure for Tuatara since 1970 and had shown no interest in sex until he recently had a cancerous growth removed from his genitals. He got caught enjoying the company of three females last year and one of them hatched the eggs.


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Militants target girls' schools yet again

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Asian Human Rights Commission (AHRC) has written this letter to the UN Special Rapporteur on the right to education calling for an intervention in this case in Pakistan. The federal and provincial governments are not doing much beyond making sure that their coalition governments would not crumble down, women education be damned.

Those of who want to register their protest at this can go to this link and send out letters to the President, Prime Minister and concerned officials through AHRC’s urgent appeals system.

Here is the text of the letter, I have not added a single word.

Militants operating in Swat have threatened to blow-up all female schools if they are not closed by January 15, 2009 and have already started demolishing the schools. It is reported that the militants belong to Islamic fundamentalist organisations operating in Pakistan with their connections stretching across the border, into neighboring Afghanistan.

After the expiry of the deadline fixed by the militants, they have already blown-up six girls' schools. During the year 2008 the fundamentalists, particularly the Taliban, have demolished 200 primary girls' schools and around three dozen boys' schools in different areas in the north of Pakistan, close to the border with Afghanistan.

According to the Aryana Institute of Regional Research and Advocacy, an organization based in Pakistan, the threat from the militant and fundamentalist organisations will deny an estimated 119,000 female students their fundamental right to education. Additionally it will also render an estimated 3,425 women teachers jobless.

The threat against educating the girl child and the destruction of schools come in the backdrop of a series of crimes committed with impunity by these militant organisations in the past several years in Pakistan. Man-slaughter, murders by beheading, land grabbing, social ostracism and extortion in the name of Islam are common incidents in some provinces of Pakistan like the Federally Administrated Tribal Areas (FATA) and the North Western Frontier Province (NWFP) during the last several years.

It is also a common practice that these acts committed by the Islamic fundamentalist organisations are later sanctified by the tribal courts active in these regions called the Jirgas. Jirgas are notorious for their brutality and the misinterpretation of the Quran. Owing to this, and due to the complete absence of a properly functioning state apparatus in these regions, the ordinary people residing in these areas feel that they are under the siege of the militant groups. The majority of people feels besieged and shares a common feeling of abandonment by their country and the world.

The destruction or the closing down of the schools will deprive thousands of children of the Swat valley of NWFP, of their right to education. The abuse against the children and their families by the Islamic fundamentalists is also an act of denying their right to dignity, honor and peace of mind. The Government of Pakistan has thus far failed to provide any form of protection to the children and their families. In fact state agencies like the Pakistan Army has made use of the fear spread by Islamic militants in the region for their benefit.

It is also reported that in the past, state intelligence agencies and the army were involved in nurturing Islamic militant organisations in the region to fit the Government of Pakistan's interest in the region's politics. The nexus between the militants and the state agencies was close-knit particularly during the Afghan war. This relationship flourished further after the initiation of the so-called war against terror.

The change of political regime in Islamabad, from a dictatorship to a democracy, has made no dents to this illegal and dangerous relationship. This has left the people in high desperation concerning their life which continues at the mercy of Islamic militant organizations operating in these regions. The girls and their parents suffer the most due to this impasse.

I therefore urge you to provide immediate protection for the children and their families and take whatever actions in your capacity in order to secure their right to education.

What used to be a thriving school has now turned into ashes, dust and rubble ...



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Women, not allowed.

This photograph was initially published in Daily Times, January 12, 2009 and caught my eye at Pakistaniat. The caption read:

“Women are not allowed in the market,” reads a banner displayed at the entrance of a market in Mingora. Taliban have banned the entry of women in markets and ordered the killing of women who violate the ban. Most shop owners have sold or shut down their businesses because of falling sales following the restriction.

For people like us who are living in Karachi and other urban centres, the restriction of this kind of public space (a market for clothes) is unheard. My question is: what in the God’s name government is doing in Swat besides placating right wing crack pots (Read Rabia’s blog for details). Another thing that frightens me is that, if this remains unchecked and the government continues to give in to these people, it may spread out to other parts of the country.



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And the world changed … or did it?

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Last night, I went to a meeting/conversation/book reading session of Pakistani female writers who write in English at T2F. All the writers present were the ones who have contributed to a book called "And the World Changed".

The panelists included Ameena Saiyid (Head of Oxford University Press in Pakistan) and the writers Fehmida Reyaz, Bina Shah, Kamila Shamsie, Muneeza Shamsie, Sehba Sarwar and Nayyara Rahman.

The session went very well. Bina Shah received loudest cheers and claps, perhaps because her story was contemporary and she has the best elocution skills. Nayyara Rehman lost us somewhere in the middle, but she was the youngest of the lot and perhaps not quite used to the limelight like the other veterans.





Amongst the audience sat the celebrated writer of ‘A case of exploding mangoes’ Mr. Mohammed Hanif. Even though the evening was about female writers who contributed for “Ánd the world changed,” it was Fehmida Reyaz and Muhammed Hanif who were celebrated most. I know at least four people who already have a copy of Muhammed Hanif’s book but bought it again to get it signed by him. Lesson to be learned: write stuff that people can find relevance with and write with self effacing humour. I guess that explains the popularity of Ms. Reyaz and Mr. Hanif.

Mr. Hanif was sitting in the same lane with me; in fact there was just one aunty ji who was sitting in the middle, so I happen to over hear a very interesting conversation. Aunty ji was quite obviously an acquaintance of Mr. Hanif. In the middle of the session, a girl came and sat next to the aunty ji. Aunty ji then goes.

Aunty ji: Hanif, this is my niece and she is a writer as well, you know budding writer.
The girl blushes, aunty ji grins and Muhammed Hanif nods.
Aunty ji: Beta, this is Hanif, you know Hanif Muhammed, the same guy, exploding mangoes wala.

Exploding mangoes wala !!!!

I gave up all pretence, turned and looked at aunty ji with my mouth hanging open. Did she just call him exploding mango wala? For crying out loud, it’s like calling Leonardo Da Vinci, wohi Mona Lisa wala or Michael Angelo wohi Sistine chapel wala, but I digress. I caught Mr. Hanif’s eye, he laughed at my expression and acknowledged the fact that he is the same ‘exploding mangoes wala’ Hanif.

The whole conversation left me baffled and I was left wondering if aunty ji really admired Muhammed Hanif’s work or she just wanted to bask in his reflected glory.

Oh, and Muhammed Hanif’s wife is pretty hot, she wore bright green socks.



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Fighting recession with S.E.X

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Credit crunch, recession, economic bail outs, stock market crash; who hasn’t heard these words or have not been affected by them (you may have escaped them if you are living in Mars, but chances are, that the news of economic gloom reached outer space as well). The price of food items has gone up, fuel prices go roller coaster from one extreme to the other in the span of a couple of months, the car you leased last year is not so affordable any more with increased interest and monthly payments - in short; life is getting tougher by the day. The question is; how do one battle out this recession. You cannot forgo food; you gotta live. You cannot get away with not paying your electricity and gas bills as you gotta cook that food and run that refrigerator. Where is that you can cut corners and save those Benjamins (or Quaid-e-Azams or Gandhis or Queen Elizabeths depending upon whose face adorn your local currency)? Most of us are in a quandary about our saving options, but the Brits are quite clear on how will they save that extra bit of money – they turned to sex as a cheap recreational way to pass time.

According to BBC, A YouGov survey of 2,000 adults found sex was the most popular free activity, ahead of window shopping and gossiping. The Scots were most amorous with 43% choosing sex over other pastimes, compared with 35% in South England. Around one in 10 respondents to the survey said their favourite free activity was window shopping and 6% chose going to a museum as the cheapest way to pass the time. But the sexes differed on their priorities, with women preferring to gossip with friends while men had sex firmly at the top of their list.

Reading this bit of (dated) news reminded me of my 9th grade Pakistan studies class. Those who are not Pakistanis or have not lived in Pakistan during the school years should count themselves lucky that they never had to endure a subject called Pakistan studies and memorize Quaid-e-Azam’s 14 points, but I digress. Among other unmatchable gems, 9th grade Pakistan Studies book states lack of recreation facilities as one of the reasons of Pakistan’s population explosion. A gallacticaly stupid thirteen year old me could not work out the connection between ‘lack of recreation’ and 'rising population' and I asked my teacher, “How can the number of parks and cinemas we have be responsible for the population explosion?” My teacher got flustered and told me to ask my mother. As I never took much interest in Pakistan studies, I never bothered to ask my mom. It is only now that I understand the connection between poverty, lack of recreation and population explosion. Looks like Pakistanis have always been onto what Brits are just discovering. When there is nothing else to do, hit the sack, preferably with a member of opposite sex. Unlike Brits, we are quite lax about family planning and we do not have NHS which provides free contraception and morning after pills.

Ah the perils of third world living.



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Politically incorrect conversation between a Pakistani and an Indian

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I promised Saadia that I will do a Pakistani’s impression of India after the myths post, but I just cannot get to do it (serious time management issues and multiple deadlines). Instead, I have decided to put up a dialogue between a Pakistani and an Indian girl. Chadha is a friend from university days and we stay in touch through the wonderful medium of World Wide Web. Here is a piece for you all - a piece of “people to people interaction’ between the two of us.

Tazeen says:
Chadhaaaaa .... longtime

Maneesha says:
yaar its been chaos at work... I am home now for holidays and still have to keep checking mails

Maneesha says:
By the way I saw my first nikaah ceremony yesterday

Tazeen says:
Ah, so you have seen our version of nuptials. It’s just like Christians’; we just ask them thrice to be really really sure. And of course there is the whole haq meher thing as well and the bits and pieces of “Do you accept Mr X to be your lawfully wedded husband for the meher of Rs. Xyz” and the girl has to respond with “qabool hai, qabool hai, qabool hai “ (I accept, I accept, I accept).

Maneesha says:
Yes, except unlike the movies the boy and girl aren’t separated by a thin curtain, but are in completely different rooms!!!

Maneesha says:
It was quite interesting, particularly since the boy is Sri Lankan and doesn’t understand a word of Urdu.

Maneesha says:
So all of us said what we wanted to in front of him and he didn’t get a word... kya mazaa aaya

Tazeen says:
wah wah

Tazeen says:
This is your masi's daughter, right?

Tazeen says:
She is marrying a Sri Lankan dude?

Maneesha says:
yup

Tazeen says:
Good, everyone should marry outside their religion and country ... that way no one will stay bigoted and unnecessary attachment to clan and country would make way for a peaceful world

Tazeen says:
Gosh, I sound like a Miss World contestant.

Tazeen says:
World peace!!!

Maneesha says:
You know.... write that somewhere... when you are dead and gone, someone will discover it and make it the law.... like in a futuristic movie

Tazeen says:
hahahaha

Tazeen says:
Let me do a blog post on it. (I did this one after the conversation)

Maneesha says:
Totally.... put it there right now

Maneesha says:
Future would be something like this:

Scottie approaches captain Kirk....
Captain I would like your permission to marry a Clingon...
Captain says, with flair - Scottie, as you know, Tazeen's law is in the making. She was a visionary - she stated those words centuries ago that everyone should marry outside their religion and country (In their case, the marriage could be inter galactic )... that way no one will stay bigoted and unnecessary attachment to clan and country would make way for a peaceful world

Tazeen says:
hahahahaha

Maneesha says:
Or, write it.... the law....

Tazeen says:
Oh as in legal language?

Tazeen says:
Thou shalt only marry outside your clan (if you really have to) otherwise just live in sin. How is that for a brand new commandment?

Tazeen says:
I mean if it is that far along in the future, legal matrimony would have become obsolete by then, naheen?

Maneesha says:
Exactly, then it will be mind connection, and telepathy and other less messy things.

Tazeen says:
Hahaha, There wont be any exchange of bodily fluids, and zero chance of contracting STDs and Aids. I think people will be a lot more tolerant about cheating if it is all telepathic and long distance. What say?

Maneesha says:
Yeah, it would a much healthier environment. UNAIDS would be redundant.

Tazeen says:
Imagine. Cheating would just be a lot less thrilling hence the charm would be greatly diminished.



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Screening the Sacred

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While looking for some online reference material for an article I am writing, google lead me to a book called ‘Screening the Sacred: Religion, Myth, and Ideology in Popular American Film’ by Joel W. Martin, Conrad E. Ostwalt Jr.; Westview Press, 1995. 194 pgs. Because I have Questia membership, I tried locating it there and this is what Questia had to say:

Your account profile indicates you're located in a country where Questia does not have the publisher's permission to allow you access to this particular publication. Less than 5% of our publications have this restriction so we encourage you to search for an alternative publication or update your profile to correct any error in your country of residence.

We cannot even read about screening the sacred in another country! I wonder who is responsible for that. Is it the publishing house or the or the vile PTA that has put its foot down and does not want anything immoral to reach its audience?

WTF!!!

Ten myths about Pakistan

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Avaran from India has pointed out this link to me. As I am a huge fan of Mohd Hanif (if he was a rock star, I would have been the most loyal groupie), I decided to paste the article here on my blog. Although I would like to point out that most of us Pakistanis are grateful for the fact that Zardari will never have the kind of control that Musharraf had and this piece is obviously written for an Indian audience, most of it is spot on.

Ten myths about Pakistan

By Mohammed Hanif

Living in Pakistan and reading about it in the Indian press can sometimes be quite a disorienting experience: one wonders what place on earth they’re talking about? I wouldn’t be surprised if an Indian reader going through Pakistani papers has asked the same question in recent days. Here are some common assumptions about Pakistan and its citizens that I have come across in the Indian media.

Pakistan controls the jihadis:

Or Pakistan’s government controls the jihadis. Or Pakistan Army controls the jihadis. Or ISI controls the jihadis. Or some rogue elements from the ISI control the Jihadis. Nobody knows the whole truth but increasingly it’s the tail that wags the dog. We must remember that the ISI-Jihadi alliance was a marriage of convenience, which has broken down irrevocably. Pakistan army has lost more soldiers at the hands of these jihadis than it ever did fighting India.

Musharraf was in control, Zardari is not:

Let’s not forget that General Musharraf seized power after he was fired from his job as the army chief by an elected prime minister. Musharraf first appeased jihadis, then bombed them, and then appeased them again. The country he left behind has become a very dangerous place, above all for its own citizens.

There is a latent hankering in sections of the Indian middle class for a strongman. Give Manmohan Singh a military uniform, put all the armed forces under his direct command, make his word the law of the land, and he too will go around thumping his chest saying that it’s his destiny to save India from Indians. Zardari will never have the kind of control that Musharraf had. But Pakistanis do not want another Musharraf.

Pakistan, which Pakistan?

For a small country, Pakistan is very diverse, not only ethnically but politically as well. General Musharraf’s government bombed Pashtuns in the north for being Islamists and close to the Taliban and at the same time it bombed Balochs in the South for NOT being Islamists and for subscribing to some kind of retro-socialist, anti Taliban ethos. You have probably heard the joke about other countries having armies but Pakistan’s army having a country. Nobody in Pakistan finds it funny.

Pakistan and its loose nukes:

Pakistan’s nuclear programme is under a sophisticated command and control system, no more under threat than India or Israel’s nuclear assets are threatened by Hindu or Jewish extremists. For a long time Pakistan’s security establishment’s other strategic asset was jihadi organisations, which in the last couple of years have become its biggest liability.

Pakistan is a failed state:

If it is, then Pakistanis have not noticed. Or they have lived in it for such a long time that they have become used to its dysfunctional aspects. Trains are late but they turn up, there are more VJs, DJs, theatre festivals, melas, and fashion models than a failed state can accommodate. To borrow a phrase from President Zardari, there are lots of non-state actors like Abdul Sattar Edhi who provide emergency health services, orphanages and shelters for sick animals.

It is a deeply religious country:

Every half-decent election in this country has proved otherwise. Religious parties have never won more than a fraction of popular vote. Last year Pakistan witnessed the largest civil rights movements in the history of this region. It was spontaneous, secular and entirely peaceful. But since people weren’t raising anti-India or anti-America slogans, nobody outside Pakistan took much notice.

All Pakistanis hate India:

Three out of four provinces in Pakistan — Sindh, Baluchistan, NWFP — have never had any popular anti-India sentiment ever. Punjabis who did impose India as enemy-in-chief on Pakistan are now more interested in selling potatoes to India than destroying it. There is a new breed of al-Qaida inspired jihadis who hate a woman walking on the streets of Karachi as much as they hate a woman driving a car on the streets of Delhi. In fact there is not much that they do not hate: they hate America, Denmark, China CDs, barbers, DVDs , television, even football. Imran Khan recently said that these jihadis will never attack a cricket match but nobody takes him seriously.

Training camps:

There are militant sanctuaries in the tribal areas of Pakistan but definitely not in Muzaffarabad or Muridke, two favourite targets for Indian journalists, probably because those are the cities they have ever been allowed to visit. After all how much training do you need if you are going to shoot at random civilians or blow yourself up in a crowded bazaar? So if anyone thinks a few missiles targeted at Muzaffarabad will teach anyone a lesson, they should switch off their TV and try to locate it on the map.

RAW would never do what ISI does:

Both the agencies have had a brilliant record of creating mayhem in the neighbouring countries. Both have a dismal record when it comes to protecting their own people. There is a simple reason that ISI is a bigger, more notorious brand name: It was CIA’s franchise during the jihad against the Soviets. And now it’s busy doing jihad against those very jihadis.

Pakistan is poor, India is rich:

Pakistanis visiting India till the mid-eighties came back very smug. They told us about India’s slums, and that there was nothing to buy except handicrafts and saris. Then Pakistanis could say with justifiable pride that nobody slept hungry in their country. But now, not only do people sleep hungry in both the countries, they also commit suicide because they see nothing but a lifetime of hunger ahead. A debt-ridden farmer contemplating suicide in Maharashtra and a mother who abandons her children in Karachi because she can’t feed them: this is what we have achieved in our mutual desire to teach each other a lesson.



Image courtesy Nicholson cartoons

Updating your life – online

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If I were a pop psychologist I would say that the constant status change on facebook/gtalk/similar-social-networking-websites-that-I am-unaware-of is attention seeking behaviour of the worst order. I have no problem with people seeking attention or basking in the glory of self love, but if you change your status five times in a day, especially with open ended and ambiguous sentences like ‘Nishi is still looking …’ to ‘Rizwan is trying hard, really’ then I think a call to local shrink wouldn’t hurt. The more ambiguous the status is; chances are that you get more responses. The more naïve ones in the friend’s list always respond to such cries of help with, ‘Oh Nishi, what is it that you are looking’ to ‘I hope you find what you are looking for’ to best wishes for Rizwan who is trying really hard. Come on folks, what do you know? He might be constipated and trying really hard and updated his status while trying to take crap. Now would you normally go sending best wishes to people who are tying to take crap? No. But on facebook, it is the order of the day.

The funniest thing is, if you do respond honestly to any such status, it can lead to disastrous consequences and can jeopardize your relationship with your acquaintances – for life. Someone I know have recently gotten married and have changed her status very frequently but they were always about how deliriously happy she is now that she is hitched (the word hitched was mentioned in at least 5 of her statuses). After one such nauseating declaration of love and coupledom, I commented with this line: “I hope you are ready for the life long monogamy ahead.” She deleted my comment and went ballistic afterwards, calling me names and what not. She even asked some of her friends to socially boycott me. She wanted me socially boycotted because I warned her about monogamous married life? Facebook can do that people.

There are some facebook statuses that are less of a status and more of a declaration. For instance the politically inclined Muneeb Ahmed thinks the infighting has already begun amongst the Democratic majority or the arty Shamil Shams is of the opinion that Anand Bakhshi was one of the most underrated lyricists of Indian Cinema.

There are some statuses that include another person and can lead to interrogation of the worst order. For instance, this is the status my friend A had before she left for Italy last month: “A can’t wait for Italy! esp. since Tazeen has raised her expectations about the oh so orgasmic species of Italian men.” You can so imagine what must have happened afterwards. Common friends ganged up on me asking me why such delightful details were kept a secret and why only A was privy to that information. The most delightful thing I have experienced in Italy was the Italian Gelato (ice-cream) and I only wished I had such ‘oh so orgasmic’ encounters with Italian men. The interrogation sessions I had after wards would have put the interrogators at Gitmo (Guantanamo Bay) to shame.

Another thing I am absolutely sick of is the honeymoon related status updating. The past three months have been the extended wedding season in Pakistan. A vast majority of Pakistanis goes to Malaysia for honeymoons and I get status updates like A & B or X & Y are honeymooning in Genting or in Langkavi? Honestly, who gives two hoots if you are honeymooning in location A or B.? In any case, if you are busy updating your status on facebook, you obviously are not having the honeymoon you should have. Something is definitely missing.

So far, the most original facebook status I have seen has come from my friend Zoe. It goes something like this: Zoe is gun powder, treason and plot.