Things we learned from the Wikileaks Pakistan cables

Most people do not know that the Baboons living in South Africa barter their food. They exchange a banana for a bag of crisps they steal from an unsuspecting tourist. Just like those baboons, Pakistan’s rent seeking elite barters power and privilege. Unlike baboons, who barter among themselves, our political elite barters with an alien foreign force and when they are not bartering with that alien foreign force they want it to play the guarantor; at least that is what latest Wikileaks Pakistan Papers tell us.

While the newspaper reading drawing room analyst types (that’s almost all of us) already knew or suspected whatever goes in the corridors of power, we learned a few new things from the cables. Take this particular cable from 2009 for example, US considers PML (Q) to be the asli tay vadi PML because they have been referred to as plain and simple PML – with no ABCD affixed to it. PML-N, on the other hand, was referred to as such which must have rankled Khadim-e-Ala Punjab a lot. If the pattern of his belligerence is consistent, he must be reciting Habib Jalib’s Main Naheen Manta in his Raiwind mansion since the cables came out.

Some people are drawn to adventure and some are destined to play with fire. In Pakistan,  anyone who takes over the president’s office is predestined to become obsessed with Chief Justice Iftikhar Chaudhry or so says wikileaks.

If Pakistani political circles were an American high school, then CJ Iftekhar Chaudhry would have been the fat geeky nerd who would not be touched with a barge pole and all cool kids would stay away from him. US Ambassador Anne Patterson very clearly stated that “no leader in Pakistan really wants an activist and unpredictable Chief Justice." Poor CJ, if he had to attend a prom, no one would have agreed to go out with him.

The cables also reiterated what we already knew - that PML-Q (yes, I continue to use this moniker because I am not a US diplomat) is the biggest mercenary of them all and would switch sides for a provincial chief minister ship, a senate chairmanship or to get the party leader’s son (as it eventually happened) out of trouble.

Anyone who thought that MQM is a small time party interested only in naddi nalay ki siasat (read elected local government bodies) had another think coming, Amreekis do consult them in matters of governments and coalitions. Apparently Altaf Bhai is as thick with the US envoys as the rest of them and wanted to know which way Ms. Patterson and her bosses move before coming out to support the presidential throne.

What we also learned from the cables is that no matter how many speeches Farooq Sattar would give in the parliament and take part in legislative processes, he would always be called the “in country” leader of MQM and not just the leader. We also learned that stormy relationship of MQM and PML-N is as apparent to the Americans as it is obvious to us.

The cables, sent out by the US embassy in Pakistan, lamented the fact that the US had no leverage over Mian Nawaz Shareef. If only they knew about a certain Ms. Kim Barker and her influence over Mian sahib, things would have been much easier for them. All they needed to do was to convince Ms Barker to accept that iPhone and viola, things could have been different.  

We also learned that General Kayani is as adventurous towards Afghanistan as his predecessors and wanted “tactical Unmanned Air Vehicles (UAVs) to cover wide regions such as the whole of Afghanistan and Pakistan through remotely stationed operations rooms.” Seriously, Kayani sahib is not really a mean guy, he just wants to play Battlefield or Mortal Kombat through UAVs across Afghanistan and Pakistan. So what if it costs us peace in the region, the big boys would get to play the ultimate game.

PS: The cables were classified by Anne W. Patterson, for reasons 1.4 (b)(d)or reasons 2.8 (c). I would seriously like to know what those reasons were. 

Originally written for Dawn.com 

You can face it all when you have friends like that ...

This post is dedicated to my friend P, who has been most thoughtful, esp. when it mattered most, would always say the right things to cheer me up and have been generally a great guy.

Earlier today, he and I were bitching about how some people – who in our opinion are not as bright as we are – get their bylines everywhere and we get told off by the editors – actually we don’t even get told off by the editors – we are just ignored.

Then as two perpetual losers we decided that we are too good for this country and we should focus on foreign publications and as random as we are, we also discussed people who slept their way up in the business. Here is how he turned my regular whinefest into laughter.

We all could do with a friend like that.

T: at times I feel like such a bloody loser.

P: Losers ye log hain, not you (he is adorable and seriously good for my ego and sanity)

T: Remember ---- , we all know s/he slept all around to get where s/he is

P: hahaha… Acha maybe I'll ask someone in New York to sleep with someone at NYT for us.

T: Dude, you actually have people who are willing to sleep with random strangers on our behalf?

P: Maybe, depends on who the random stranger is, but yes.

T: hahaha, if you can pull it off then you are more powerful than Altaf Hussain, Bal Thakrey and the Pope, all rolled in one.

Is it the same Pakistan I grew up in?

Is it just me or are there others who are facing the same dilemma as I do? Am I living in the same Pakistan that I have always lived in or is it some other country?

Now don’t get me wrong, it is the same country where rapists are released by the superior courts, where an enormous number of children are still out of school, electricity, rather lack of it, continues to wreak havoc with our lives and livelihoods and Aapa Firdous is still rocking the corridors of Islamabad (I am such a fangirl, I had to make a reference to her highness) but something is different. A couple of incidents that happened in past week changed things how they have been since forever. I saw things that I never thought I would see in my lifetime.

The first one is of course the appearance of DG ISI in front of the parliament for the in camera session where he actually took responsibility for leaking information, god-awful intelligence gathering, general bad performance and offered to resign. Resign!!! A serving general, no less than a DG ISI, appearing before that parliament (read them bloody civvies) and offered to resign!!! Who would’ve thought we would see a day when it would happen and it did. Granted the circumstances were extenuating, but still, that fact that it actually happened is kinda unbelievable.

Apart from Pak fauj, the other holy cow in Pakistan is Saudi Arabia. So what if they have been funding outfits involved in gross acts of terrorism in Pakistan? Who cares if they treat most of Pakistan like their personal fiefdoms and come here to hunt under age brides and Hobara Bustards and support the rent seeking elite? They are Khadim-e-harmain shareefain – a title that House of Saud bestowed upon themselves to seek legitimacy for all their wrong doings – and get away with anything! In past one week, the Saudi consulate has been attacked twice and a security officer of the Saudi consulate has been shot dead earlier today and no religious party took to streets blaming it all on Amreeka! I mean seriously!

Are things finally changing or is this yet another mirage?

PS: 

And who would've thought they would see placards denouncing the corps commanders and likens them with jackals!

so have you lucked out on the sibling department?

I mean seriously.

I have no respect for people who either try to live off their siblings or try to get famous because of their siblings. Ordinarily, no one would’ve hired Atif Aslam’s brother to wash their windows. But because his brother is a pop star, he not only gets to keep 10% of his famous sibling’s endorsement deals and croon earnings as an agent, he also has a clothing store where he sells over priced clothes that will make everyone look like a sad clown.

This is not a new phenomenon. Those of you who were old enough to remember Junoon from 1990s would 

probably able to recall Salman Ahmed’s Wall Streetiya bhai who would get his pictures taken with every Bollywood celebrity and then plaster them on Junoon website. I swear, the wall streetiya bhai had more pictures of him on the website schmoozing Shahrukh Khan than Ali Azmat and O’Connel put together! And they were the actual band members.

These days, there is a new trend. You can get your own fifteen minutes of fame by writing a piece or making a documentary titled “My Brother the Islamist” or “My Brother the bomber.” All you need to do is follow your newly converted reverted brother with a camera and he will gladly tell you all about some of the legendary prejudices like how good Muslims only shake hands with them infidels with the hand with which they wipe their arse and how dawah is their one true calling.

Sadly, I don’t have a brother who is either a pop star or have done time in Gitmo enjoying the famed US hospitality. My brother is just as lazy as I am. While I waste my life away tweeting about the more exciting lives of others, he wastes his life by religiously tuning in to Kamran Khan Show every night.

The lack of a fanatic past on my brother’s part has rendered all my plans of becoming rich and famous futile, but there are some lucky bastards who can make some serious dough by virtue of having a famous sibling.

The books and articles that I will gladly read would be by:

• A book by Mian Shahbaz Sharif on sexcapades (both the successful and attempted ones) of his older brother, former prime minister, iPhone lover and almost Ameerul Momineen Mian Nawaz Sharif sahab. Now would not shell out top dollar to read that. If Kim Barker can make money out of it, why cant chote mian sahib? 
• A letter to Oprah by Osama Bin laden’s sister about how being the 17th child destroyed OBL’s chances of living a happy fulfilling life. She may get a book deal after that. The foreword of that book will be written by Dr. Phil of course. The title of the book will be “The 17th Child syndrome.”
• A picture book by any sibling of Chaudhry Nisar Ali filled with his pictures without the toupee.
• Sister of Salman Butt: Who would not want to read what kind of jahez she bought with the 50,000 pounds recovered from Salman Butt’s room after the spot fixing fiasco. He said that he saved that money for his sister’s dowry. Bhai ho tau aisa…

Social networking is a bitch

Social networking is a bitch. There, I said it.

Let’s admit it. Most of us have a facebook account with around a couple of hundred friends, but we really stay in touch with a few of them. The rest are there to remind us that we have miserable existence; our paychecks are tiny, our lives are grey and our love lives are insipid.

I don’t know about others, but I have people on my “networks” who are constantly vacationing in exotic locations, land high flying jobs with Fortune 500 companies even in times of recession, attend exclusive fashion events, are part of peace keeping missions in remote war torn areas and have flings with exotic and interesting people while they are stationed in those remote war torn areas and … wait for it … walk the red carpet in Cannes Film Festival. You know what is most ironic? The last status update was from a masochist whose sole aim in life was to get married to a heroin addict and get beaten by him every day when she was 19!

I was sure that I lead the most boring, soul less and miserable life where the most exciting part of my day is watching videos of Faisal Raza Abdi and cats playing with babies on youtube. I was discussing this with a friend when she pointed out this short film. I finally found the holy grail of social networking – things are usually not what they appear. At times, they only exist for social networking websites.

So next time you see a picture of a friend of yours, sitting next to an unbelievably hot woman or diving next to sharks or in a space suit, take a pause, take a deep breath and tell yourself, it is all the social networking mirage.