All you wanted to know about General Kiyani's cigarettes but were afraid to ask

Because I am slightly odd, I have friends who also veer in the same direction and the conversations we have are also of not you garden or average variety. Last night AB and I were having a random chat session and she came up with a couple of peculiar questions (mind you, we were already done with the mandatory bitch fest about a lady who was simultaneously flirting the pants off a couple of elderly gentlemen). I attributed the strangeness of her questions to the fact that she grew up in Rawalpindi and the fascination with GHQ is but natural. 

Here is an excerpt.

AB: Yaar ek baat tau batao? Did General  Zia-ul-Haq use desi khizab (cheap local hair dye), Kala Kola (the only brand of hair dye available in Pakistan back in 1980s in black and brown)  or some other fancy shmanzy hair dye that Mrs. Zia must have picked up for her husband’s wispy follicles? (Yes, my friends and I are totally obsessive compulsive over bad hair dye jobs of generals long gone.)

Tazeen: (After much contemplation and deliberation) I think Gen. Zia must have used Beijing hair colour; after all he had to put in his weight behind the whole Pak China friendship.

AB: OK, and what brand of cigarettes does General Kiyani smoke?

Tazeen: Why do you want to know about Kiyani’s ciggis?

AB: Yaar another friend mentioned that he rolls his own cigarettes?

Tazeen: Come on, you can’t expect a general sahib to do anything himself. I think he smokes K2, akhir inki shan bhi tau Paharon jaisee hai.

PS: Because I generally whine a lot about Pindi, I dedicate this post to AB, Shahid Saeed and Shoaib Akhtar, the saving grace of the city of Rawalpindi.

PPS: While the whole world was busy discussing APC, we were discussing Kiyani’s ciggies and hair dyes, being born and spending your childhood – not to mention most of your adult life – under military rule does that to you.

Imran Khan’s spiritual experiences and my nani’s psychic abilities

Though I have no intention of either buying or reading Imran Khan’s book “Pakistan – A personal History” the translated excerpts published in the Sunday Magzine of Daily Express are pure gold and a highly recommended read (could not find the link despite looking – their website is a nightmare btw). Among other godlike protestations of greatness from the book, Express carried a boxed piece titled “Roohani Tajurbat” which details Imran Khan’s spiritual experiences. 

As Imran Khan was uber awesome at everything, he was an early starter in spiritual experiences as well and has had his very first spiritual experience at age 14 – and no, I am not talking about that kind of experiences. Khan saab recalls that he was going through a period of doubt when his mother’s pirni paid them a visit.  Imran Khan did not finish the requisite Nazra Quran lessons (every Muslim child must finish Quran at least once under the guidance of a quran teacher who can teach them how to recite Quran in Arabic. Although most Muslims can read and recite Quran, they cannot understand the language, but I digress)t. The pirini ji who has not even looked at Khan – she observed purdah with a 14 year old boy as well – told Khan’s mother that her child has not finished his nazra lessons. The pirni ji, who did not trust the 14 year old Khan enough to not observe purdah with him, told his mother that she should not worry about it. According to the aforementioned pirni ji, even though Khan was adept at lying to his parents at the ripe old age of 14 (he not only lied about finishing the recitation lessons of Quran, he even got the man of God - the Nazra teacher to lie on his behalf), he still is a “naik rooh” (pure soul) and will eventually turn out to be a great guy (if Pirni ji was that great a psychic, she should have known what a ‘legen – wait for it – dary’ play boy this naik rooh turned out to be, but I digress again). 

This is not the only “spiritual” incident the excerpts in Express’ Sunday Magazine carried. Everyone he had met only predicted greatness and more greatness for the great Immy K. Let me reiterate that I have not read the book but if the excerpts are anything to go by, I wonder why any sane person would ever want to spend their hard earned money on narcissist ranting of a man who is probably sad and lonely. 

My dear departed nani made similar predictions about me, but do I ever take them seriously – only when I am high on cough syrup. Do I plan to write them all in an autobiography, hell no. But then, I am an ordinary person who sadly has no illusions of grandeur, either about herself or her Nani’s psychic abilities. 

As I could not find the link, I decided to take a picture of the said piece

Oh and before I sign off, let me just say this. Roohani tajurbat, my %&^(*@#*&!

South is flooded and the rest of Pakistan does not care

Back in 2005 when the earthquake hit Northern part of Pakistan, we witnessed what was perhaps the biggest humanitarian aid effort taken up by Pakistanis. People from all over the country including Diasporas living in other parts of the world contributed to relief and rehabilitation efforts. Individuals and local charities both donated and the city that put in most; both in terms of monetary donations and human resource was Karachi.

Last year, districts in all 4 provinces of Pakistan were flooded after torrential rains and we saw donation camps were set up across Pakistan. This year, districts in Sindh and Baloachistan are affected with yet another flood but this time neither the media nor the citizens are taking it as seriously as they did it last year.  Sanghar and Badin may not be the news hotspots but the misery that the floods have brought in is just the same there as it is elsewhere. Camps have been set up in Karachi and Hyderabad but things are quiet in other parts of the country. I have not seen a single camp, either in Rawalpindi or Islamabad, receiving donations and goods for flood relief efforts in Sindh and Baloachistan. Al Khidmat Foundation, charity wing of Jamat-e-Islami, is the only organization that has put up some banners with a bank account number where people can donate money for flood relief efforts in Islamabad, otherwise it looks as if it is business as usual and no natural calamity has hit the country. I find it mind numbingly cruel that parts of Sindh and Baloachistan are submerged in water and the rest of Pakistan couldn't care less. If this does not breed discontent and dissent, I would be most surprised.

Despite being beleaguered with unprecedented violence in the previous months, Karachiites are helping their countrymen and women in flood affected areas, it’s about time rest of the Pakistan wakes up. It is easy to blame the politicians and yes, they are to be blamed along with the whole bureaucracy that live off the wealth generated by the poor Pakistanis and does nothing, but common people in areas not affected by either violence or natural calamity also must stand up and be counted.  Blaming others is easy, taking up responsibility is hard. 

Photos were taken from The Atlantic which has some of the most heart wrenching visuals of the current floods. 

Are we celebrating Aafia Day now?

Along with Iqbal Day, Kashmir Day, Defence Day and what not; Jamat-e-Islami celebrated Aafia Day on September 16th this year. Pasted below is the flyer that was circulated online. What's most fascinating is that apart from being proclaimed as one of the leading scientists of Pakistan (she has never worked in any scientific capacity in Pakistan, she only came here to buy and sell ammonium nitrate in black market) she is now a Hafiza! If this is the way things continue, chances are that she will soon be declared a Shaheeda even when she is alive and kicking (and if rumours are to be believed - screaming). 

Here is to quam ki beti - Baji Aafia. If I had known September 16 was your day, I would have done something special to celebrate you - like looking up some jihadi toyboy. 

Blaming the victim: modus operandi of the religious right

Earlier this week, TV presenter Fareeha Idrees (she is kinda irrelevant generally, her star shone briefly when she managed to get the first post world cup Afridi Interview) said that Altaf Hussain and Zulfi Mirza are responsible for floods in Sindh. Now we all know that Both Zulfi Mirza and Altaf Bhai are capable of a lot of things but flooding their voters and constituencies is not one of them. Ms. Idrees’ argument was fairly simple. She said, “Jin jagahon pe logon ne Quran uthaya ho wahan azaab tau ayega” (The places where Quran has been disrespected will face the wrath of Almighty). My geography may not be as good as Ms Idrees’ but didn’t Altaf Bhai pull his antics in London and Zulfi Mirza in Karachi? Going by this logic, shouldn’t Northern London and the city by the sea be submerged in water and Nawab Shah and Badin be dry as a wallnut? 

As if Ms. Idrees’ ramblings were not enough, Kamran Khan (hosting the highest rated TV show in the country) presented one Maulana Tariq Jamil, a Rajput brother from the fine district of Mian Chunnu and spiritual leader of the likes of Junaid Jamshed, Saeed Anwar and Inzamam-ul-Haq, on 13^th September 2011. Maulana sahib very clearly stated that the floods in Sindh and the Dengue in Punjab are a consequence of our sins (he blamed 2005 earthquakes on a gay marriage) and we must repent and seek forgiveness. Now I am all for repenting the mistakes and seeking forgiveness, but the list of sins listed by the good maulana was mind boggling to say the least. Some of the bizarre sins listed were being friendlier towards your friends than to your father, being obedient to your wives, popularity of music esp. female musicians and greeting each other with hello and hi.

Perpetuating this kind of thinking on such a high rated TV show was most irresponsible of Mr Kamran Khan and his team. Instead of looking for public officials responsible for not ensuring that safety and evacuation measures were taken, they took the easy way out and made a telephone call to a member of clergy. The Maulana sahib conveniently blamed the victims for their sins instead of holding the public officials accountable for their negligence of criminal proportions. Junaid Jamshed has done it before and now his mentor is doing the same, blaming the victim while absolving the perpetrators of any wrong doing. Is this the modus operandi of the religious right in this country?

The message that came on Kamran Khan Show was loud and clear; stop making friends, beat your wives twice a day, stop greeting others with hellos and perhaps public beheading of a female musician or two will take care of natural disasters, bad planning and climate change be damned.

Rock stars of the new millennium

Yesterday, I participated in a BBC radio program on Tenth anniversary of 9/11 and later attended a session on Granta’s latest issue “Granta 116: Ten Years Later” where events since 9/11 were discussed and how the world has changed in the past decade since 9/11 at Kuch Khaas. 

The two really smart people Cyril Almeida and Declan Walsh read passages from the publication and a few not so smart people asked some really dumb questions (one guy actually addressed Mr. Walsh as 'Decline'). 

I am not as smart as the two aforementioned gentlemen and would not try to throw light on events around 9/11, but the world has changed indeed in ways we never thought it would. A decade ago, we used to queue to get autographs of sportsmen and rock stars. We now queue in front of the famous journalists to get our copies signed.

9/11 has turned journalists into the rock stars of the new millennium – at least in our part of the world.

 

Declan Walsh signing copies of Granta 116

The rock star and the fans

PS:  To all my journo friends, apka number bhi ayega.

PPS: Extremely grateful to QZ for the photographs, I literally stalked her for them