The flight from hell - a traveler's worst nightmare

If there ever was a contest for people who get to sit with worst possible travel mates while flying, I will win the first three positions in that contest, without doubt. On a recent trip to Quetta, I specifically asked for a window seat while checking in. I had not slept the night before and was looking forward for some shut-eye. When I boarded the plane, the gentleman sitting next to my seat looked like the heavy weight version of Hamid Karzai. He was about 188 cms, must have weighed over 300 lbs and with his Karzai like silk robe (in mustard colour) and huge headgear, there hardly was any room left in the adjacent seat for me, or anyone else for that matter. Seeing me trying to fit in that space, my colleague offered to swap seats with me. I readily agreed, which later proved to be one of the gravest mistakes of my life. 

The seats next to mine were empty and I sent a little prayer asking God to let them remain vacant for the next hour and half, but with my luck, it was a given that I would not be spared. Within minutes, a young family of 4 occupied the two seats next to mine. There was a dad, with his son who was about 17-18 months old in another while the mother and her loud 3 years old daughter who tore a copy of Hamsafar, PIA’s in flight magazine, into smithereens within minutes, settled in next to me. I opened my copy of Morgan Spurlock’s “Where in the world is Osama Bin Laden?” that I bought from the airport bookshop. The minute that little girl saw the book, she wanted it. The mother had the audacity to ask me if I will hand my book to her daughter. Seeing what happened to the magazine, I had to be a total nut to hand that kid my book. I politely refused saying that I am reading and cannot give it to her. I then asked the flight attendant if I can change my seat but apparently, the plane was packed and there was not a single vacant seat available and I did not have the nerve to inflict my fellow passengers on anyone else.

Before the take off, the flight attendant came and asked them to split for safety reasons. There were four seats in the row and five oxygen masks, the flight attendant tried his level best to convince them to change seats because the passengers safety is his concern and in case any emergency, there will not be sufficient number of oxygen masks for the people sitting in that particular row. The woman first said that nothing will happen in a 75 minutes flight, when the flight attendant persisted that they must do what they are told, the husband left the seat with the boy and I sighed with relief, but it was extremely short-lived. The little girl started crying for her daddy and the daddy started placating the daughter from the other aisle at the top of his lungs. To tune out their combined commotion, I took my iPod out and started listening to the music. The minute that girl saw my iPod, she stopped bawling and started smiling at me. I ignored. She again said something to me and I decided to keep ignoring her, after all I had the perfect excuse. My ears were plugged in. 

When mummy dearest thought her daughter was being ignored by a fellow passenger, she shook my shoulder and mouthed, “meri beti aap se kuch kehna chah rahee hai.” I had to take my ear phones out and asked her what happened. She asked if I can lend her my ipod as her daughter wanted to listen to music. Aghast that I was at the mother’s cheek, I said that it is not only rude to ask someone for their personal item, it is also unhygienic; I could have had an ear infection, would she expose her daughter to that? She looked at me for a few seconds and then told her daughter, “beta baaji ki music naheen lena, baji ke kaan kharab hain.”

Although my ears were in perfect condition (I did hear her remark despite wearing ear bugs after all ) I decided not to respond to it. 

When the crew served the food, that little girl threw salt, pepper and sugar all over the place. As I am allergic to pepper, I started sneezing like crazy. When I asked the mother – as politely as I could – to control her wild child, she said, “Array bhai bachi hai, isko main kya kahoon.” I asked for a wet towel with which I covered my nose to stop sneezing. She then started screaming for coke and the mother started calling the steward as array bhai zara bachi ko coke tau day dain. The steward was at the other end of the aisle attending to other passengers but the mother couldn’t wait that long. The woman who was sitting on the other side of the disastrous mother daughter duo had to call another steward to shut them up. 

To add insult to the injury, the last 20 minutes of the flight were as turbulent as any flight which eventually lands on ground can be. When I landed in Quetta, I resolved not to board another plane in my lifetime which did not even last for two days as I had to get back home. 

If anyone here thinks that I could not have topped this mother daughter duo, they are so very wrong. On my way back, I sat with an aunty ji who told me her life history, including the fact that she had her first orgasm at the ripe old age of 51 when she divorced her first husband and married her stud of a second husband. She also pointed out that the first husband was a 'Muhajir' and the second husband was a 'Punjabi', perhaps implying that Muhajir men are less conversant in the ways of loving a woman properly. As I am neither a muhajir man nor a Punjabi one, I decided not to take offense or pride in it and feigned yawns. At least the aunty was decent enough not to pursue with her tales of belatedly found orgasmic delights and left me in peace.

Can anyone top that???


.

The ABC of Teaching English

My latest article published in Herald.

Faras, your name is in a bigger font than mine. Somebody in Haroon House must love you very much. You are in the blurb as well.

King Lear comes to Pakistan

My Latest published work

The story of Sufaid Khoon, Agha Hashar's adaptation of Shakespeare's 'King Lear', is as old as time and still relevant to us all.

Like its inspiration, the play opens with a court scene where King Khaqan (superbly played by Talat Hussain) asks his daughters about affections for their father. The elder daughters Mahpara (Bakhtawar Mazhar) and Dil Ara (Maria Rabab) eloquently praised their father to the skies and were suitably rewarded for flattery; the king distributed the kingdom between the two of them.

However, the king was not happy with the youngest daughter Zara (Aymen Aly) who did not display affection for her father in the court and was consequently sent away. The daughters turn out to be greedy and power hungry and drove their father to madness. He took refuge in the jungle along with a couple of his loyal ministers. When Zara hears about it, she comes to take her father with her. When the older sisters learned that Zara is now taking care of their father, they abducted Zara and their father with the help of Bairam (Paras Masroor), the scheming son of one of the loyal ministers of the king and attempted to kill them both but end up killing each other.

The play was interspersed with a parallel comedic story which depicted an early 20th century haveli with a patriarch Turram (Jamal Abro), his son Jalil (Zeeshan Haider Nalwala), his daughter-in-law Laila (Shagufta Mumtaz Shah) and Jalil's tutor Baghlol (Syed Ather Abbas) along with two extremely cheeky servants Guldam (Uroosa Shamim Siddiqui) and Gul Khairu (Farhan Shah) and two guests Karak (Kashif Sial )and Bharak (Mohsin Ali Shah).

Although not related to the original story line, a comedic portion was written to break up the original tragedy as was the tradition in early 20th century. Apart from the genre and storyline, the parallel stories are visually different as well. The actors in the tragedy were attired in elaborate period costumes while the comedic period had actors wearing early 20th century outfits such as achkans and chooridar pajamas.

The play was the first production of NAPA (National Academy of Performing Arts) Repertory Theatre Company. According to the artistic director of NAPA Repertory Theatre Company (NRTC) Rahat Kazmi, the company is established to promote an appreciation for professional theatre and is committed to all forms of theatre; from high brow experimental work to comedy and hyperbolic melodrama. The company will also work on translations from across the globe.

Staged at the the Karachi Arts Council, the play is produced and directed by theatre veteran Zia Mohyeddin. Apart from Talat Hussain, all the actors were NAPA students. The set and props, designed by Schahbaz Chaudhry were minimal. The costumes designed by Ismail Fareed, Ambreen Inayat Ali and M. Talha were suitable, however, the accessories used by male artists were make-shift and it showed. The original music was composed by Nafees Ahmed and beautifully performed by the Napa music ensemble.

Talat Hussain turned in another stellar performance. His dialogue delivery was impeccable and the shift from an arrogant emperor to a senile old man in rags was flawless. Among the young actors, Paras Masroor had the best lines and did full justice to his role. His costume was perhaps the best in the play and was designed keeping in mind his sinister character which added a new dimension to his character. Bakhtawar Mazhar and Aymen Aly played their parts with conviction. It was a pleasure to listen to such lyrical dialogues in Urdu with correct diction. It shows the hard work put in by the director Zia Mohyeddin and the young actors. The only weak performance of the play was from Maria Rabab who played middle sister Dil Ara.

Among the actors in the comedic part of the play, Uroosa Shamim Siddiqui as the cheeky maid was a winner and drew most claps. Farhan Shah and Syed Athar Abbas were excellent and carried their roles with requisite chutzpah.

NRTC deserves all the credit for staging this Agha Hashar play as their maiden venture.