All you wanted to know about Difa-e-Pakistan Council but were too afraid to ask

One cannot be faulted for assuming that Difa-e-Pakistan Council comprise of officials of defence ministry, four star generals and decorated admirals who wish to ponder over the defense needs of the country and make major strategic decisions. To find out that it is actually a motley crew of 40 odd religious parties, banned terrorist outfits like Jamaatud Dawa (JuD), a few other political has beens like Sheikh Rasheed and Ijaz-ul-Haq, and the former spy master Hameed Gul among others can be shocking. To figure out what it stands for can be even more astounding. Let’s try and figure it out by asking a few questions. 

So what does this Council stands for? According to Hafiz Saeed of the JuD, it is a coalition with the aim to “defend Pakistan”. What do they actually do apart from claiming to defend the country? Not much besides holding rallies in different cities and threatening the government of dire consequences if their demands are not met. 

What are those dire consequences? Chaos, anarchy and suicide bombings. But don’t we have them – anarchy, chaos and suicide bombings – already? Yeah, but they have promised to upscale the operations if their demands are not met.

And what are those demands? For starters, they want the parliament to not restore NATO supply lines. But those supply lines have always been open and were blocked only a few weeks back, why this sudden realization that it undermines the sovereignty of the country? Well, it is better late than never, isn’t it?  

What else do they want, surely they cannot spend millions of rupees on all those public gatherings to seek that government does not restore the Nato supply lines? The ultimate goal is to severe all diplomatic, cultural, political and economic ties with United States of America. Errr, can our country survive this ultimate isolation? Most probably not, but the Council would surely like the government to try that. Is it Just USA that they want to do away with or has any other country faced a similar wrath? They hate India just as much and are angry with the government for awarding them Most Favoured Nation status.

But by regularizing trade with India, the government will not only discourage cross border smuggling of goods but will also benefit from taxes and duties levied on the imports which can be used for public welfare, surely that cannot be bad? Difa-e-Pakistan Council is not concerned with public good, According to its chairman, “the council’s sole agenda was to ensure the integrity and sovereignty of Pakistan.”

What legitimacy do they have, if any, to demand all that? Between the 40 parties and organizations of Difa-e-Pakistan council, only JUI-F is in the parliament and they too have only 8 seats. One can surely figure out their legitimacy by their underwhelming electoral performance. They, of course, would like to think otherwise. According to Maulana Sami-ul Haq, Chairman Difa-e-Pakistan Council, their gatherings are a clear message to US and it is a referendum for the government of Pakistan to immediately reconsider relations and foreign policy for US and its allies.

Does any of it make any sense at all? Not really, but then our politics has never been about logic, finding solutions and peace and harmony. It has always been about rhetoric, confusion, demagoguery and posturing and Difa-e-Pakistan Council is doing one hell of a job of it. 

First published in The Express Tribune

It is never about education

It has been almost two years since the Eighteenth Amendment was passed by the National Assembly of Pakistan and all children aged between five to 16 years have not only gained the right to not only access, but also to demand free education, in case it is not provided. However, it is sad that no provincial assembly has chalked out its own education policy as yet. More depressing is the serious lack of reporting and debate in mainstream media about this issue. For a country where more than half of the population is below the age of 15 and nearly one-third is below the age of nine, such laxity about reporting on the issue most important to the biggest group of population is scandalous.

Pick up any newspaper — English, vernacular, national or regional — and what passes for education reporting is never about education. Most news items published under the head of education are actually administrative statements like press releases by the various examination boards, announcement of academic year, examination notifications issued and reports about the annual meeting of board of directors or an academic committee of a university.

If the education news is not about the examination boards’ notices and proclamations, then it is usually about the administrative corruption of the education officials and the incidents and number of students caught red-handed while cheating during board exams. There would be some news pieces covering protests by the parents and students, against the aforementioned corruption and cheating, but the news coverage is always reactive and hardly carries any background information.

Most of the reporting on education is about performance of government-run schools. Although a huge number of children now go to private schools, there is hardly any impartial mention about the quality of education imparted there. There would be odd news about parents protesting fee hikes, or a school fair, but nothing more concrete. Some newspapers even have sections devoted to education, but they too print interviews of successful students and review job fairs and education expos, instead of focusing on real issues pertaining to education.

The reporting on education is also overwhelmingly urban. The news about rural communities does not get much airtime or space in any case, but the news about rural education is almost nonexistent in Pakistani media — not even the reports about cheating in exams or lack of facilities in rural schools. Similarly, education provided in madrassas does not get any attention from the media. Even though the madrassas have an estimated six per cent of children of school-going age, any news reference to them is almost invariably related to terrorism and never about the kind and quality of education which is imparted.

We devote reams of newsprint and hours-upon-hours of airtime on a non-issue like memogate, but the issue that is of most significance to the largest section of population does not command even a fraction of that attention. There is still debate about ‘what is to be taught and how and in what language’ but it commands less space in the media than the useless exercise of bashing the US. What is most tragic is that the group that is most affected by this criminal carelessness — the children of Pakistan — never get any space to voice their grievances. The future of millions of children is being ruined by this negligence and the media is silent.

First published in The Express Tribune

The buffoonery of Shahbaz Sharif

The buffoonery of PML-N leadership is well documented in Pakistani media but the Mian Shahbaz Sharif’s interview last night with Javed Chaudhry was so gallactically stupid, it makes one want to cry – literally. 

A few gems from this epic interview are:

“All conspiracies against Punjab government and corruption schemes are designed in the President House.”

 If the staff at President House managed to find some time off from fighting one case after another from a very partisan judiciary, they would’ve loved to hatch a scheme or two against Chotay Mian Sahib. Sadly they are busy fighting battles for the survival and finishing the term. Mian sahib should look closer to home if he wants to pin the blame – his own government.

“President Asif Ali Zardari is the responsible for everything that ails the country.”

Seriously? Is that your argument? Is that how you are gonna win next elections? By pinning the blame on a man who willingly gave up his presidential authorities to the parliament? Of course Asif Ali Zardari – the co chair of PPP – has control over the party and the government but you cannot blame his office for it.  

“CNG shortage is artificially created by the federal government to sabotage the public transport system introduced by PML-N’s government in Punjab.”

Gas is an exhaustible natural resource, and you would do well to remember that. No government, no matter how suicidal it is, would want to face public’s wrath during election years by making basic utilities unavailable – even if it is trying to make Chotay Mian sahab’s life miserable. 

“I don’t consider this person [Asif Zardari] the president of Pakistan.”

Errr …. All legislative bodies including the one you lead unanimously elected that person as your president. You may hate his guts but you can’t deny the fact that he indeed is the democratically elected president of the country. What makes it more ironic is that this statement was issued the same day when PML-N offers conditional support to the President.

“I am willing to take responsibility for the security of Mansoor Ijaz.”

I am so glad that Rehman Malik plans on filing a request for a ‘contempt of court’ notice against the chief minister.

Mansoor Ijaz: International Man of Mystery

Move over Austin Powers, here is the new International Man of Mystery

Mansoor Ijaz has been declared the most envied man in Pakistan according to the latest survey. The poll was conducted among married urban men aged 28-46 and they all agree that Mansoor Ijaz is indeed the luckiest of them all. Contrary to popular understanding, it is not his status as an ‘international man of mystery’ or his perfectly slicked-back-hair that has made men envious all over the country; it is his newfound role as an actor in a dubious music video.

Mansoor Ijaz has been known as an international businessman, a self appointed negotiator and broker of sorts, but ever since a video has resurfaced featuring the chief accuser of the memogate scandal as an actor, people have changed their opinion about him. “I thought he was a small-time troublemaker looking for glory, but who needs glory when you get to commentate for a naked female wrestling match,” said a Karachi-based banker, Ali. His colleague Saad agreed with him, gave a thumbs-up for Mansoor Ijaz and said, “Way to go man!”

A businessman from Lahore, who wishes to stay anonymous, thinks Mansoor Ijaz’s wife is the coolest woman on the planet. “OMG! There is a woman out there who wants her husband to partake in such activities and was there by his side all the way through. She is definitely a keeper.”

For most Pakistanis, the popularity of the video and envy for Mansoor Ijaz stems from the novelty of seeing a man who looks like themselves in a raunchy video with white women. “We always thought that it is the white dudes or the black guys who get to go to places like that, with Mansoor Ijaz in that video, it has given us the courage that we too can do stuff like that in future. All we need is a visa for Europe and some contacts on the other side,” said two high school best friends from an elite Rawalpindi school.

Mansoor Ijaz’s video has also created quite a stir in the lawyers’ community. Many lawyers have come forward wanting to represent him thinking it would give them an opportunity to experience his lifestyle. Mansoor Ijaz’s current lawyer has vowed to stay with him through thick and thin for the same reason. However, it is still not known if the businessman, ladies wrestling commentator and international man of mystery is in the market for a new lawyer.

It is not just the adult men who seem impressed by the memo man. It has been learned through reliable sources that high school kids who showed no interest in English language previously, now want to know the meaning of the words such as ‘tumbling’ and ‘nasty’. One kid even asked his mom if he can name his kitten ‘Double D’. It is not known, yet, if the mother relented.

A local video director is also considering using Mansoor Ijaz to do his music video, however, he does not know if he can afford the rich businessman. He has been told to approach him through his wife, after all, he only relented on his wife’s insistence the first time around.

Due to the success of the “Stupidisco” song in Pakistan, Junior Jack, the video producer, is considering hiring other Pakistanis for his future videos. Sources close to him have revealed that he has shortlisted Sheikh Rasheed and Shah Mehmood Qureshi amongst others to star in his next video.

First published in The Express Tribune



PS: Before anyone asks me about the validity of the survey (as they have done on the ET website) let me state that it is satire and everything is fictional except for Mansoor Ijaz, his wife, the music video and the writer. 

Somebody save Shahid Afridi

If you are an advertiser trying to sell any product in Pakistan, what should be on your wish list? If you are smart and want to make your life easy, you would want Shahid Afridi as your brand ambassador/model/spokesperson. However some advertisers cannot even properly use a brand ambassador as universally adored as Shahid Afridi and screw up gallactically. 

I think just about everyone has seen the latest television commercial (TVC) for Head & Shoulders featuring Shahid Afridi and Ramiz Raja. The concept is that a hot headed Afridi is practicing in the nets and is getting bowled on every ball. Ramiz Raja asks him to cool down and hands him a bottle of Head & Shoulders. Just after one hair wash, Afridi has cooled down to the extent that he can actually block a ball. Other cricketers celebrate an occasional sixer, but Afridi – for whom sixers are as commonplace as dot balls – actually celebrates successfully blocking a ball. The TVC, though kinda lame, is still bearable. It is the radio commercial that drives you crazy.

The radio commercial features Ramiz Raja in his real life role of a cricket commentator. He is talking about how Afridi is getting beaten by the ball all the time. The copy that follows is so gigantically fucked up, it’s unbelievable. It goes something like:  

“Drinks break shuru hua, aur yeh kya, Afridi ne pani ki jagah Head & Shoulders ki bottle mangwai aur waheen ground mein apna sar dhona shuru kar diya, ab Afridi cool ho gaye aur unhon ne buhat hi achi tarah ball ko rok liya. Is baat pe poora ground ek sath chilla utha – Afridi cool cool.”

I mean seriously? 

Who wrote that copy and the more important question is who approved that copy?  Can you seriously imagine Afridi washing his hair in the middle of a cricket ground during drinks break? You realize what kind of havoc a scene like that would wreak? All the ladies – and quite a few men – would break all the cordons and battle the security to get up close and personal with the erstwhile skipper. They would also want to lend him a hand or two, to wash his hair, to hold the bottle of shampoo and the water bucket (I am assuming that Afridi would need a bucket of water to rinse off that shampoo). What I find most disconcerting is that no one else seems to be disturbed by a radio commercial as crazy as this one. 

Another important question that needs to be answered is who, in the God’s name, is handling Afridi’s commercial endorsements? Anyone who allows our beloved Lala to feature in TVCs as lame as this one should either be lobotomized or banished to the deep dark dungeons.

PS: It’s a Saatchi & Saatchi advert. If anyone of my readers knows people in either Saatchi & Saatchi or P&G, make them read my post and tell them how awful their effort is. If anyone of you knows Shahid Afridi, ask him to hire me as his image manager, coz I am the best person for the job.

Another foul murder; RIP Mukarram Khan

On my way back home last evening, I received a text from my colleague that Mukarram Sahab has been shot and was taken to a hospital in Peshawar.  So stunned was I with the news that I did not realize when the signal turned green and only moved when the cars behind me honked. An hour later, I found that Mukarram Sahabb has succumbed to his injuries. 

Mukarram Khan Atif was a senior tribal journalist from Mohmand Agency and was killed on January 17^th 2012 in a targeted attack after receiving repeated threats to his life. He was offering evening prayers in a mosque when he was shot in the head by two gunmen. 

I have known Mukarram Sahab for only a few weeks but he made a profound impact in that very short time. I am city girl, from Karachi, with my fair share of prejudices about the tribesmen and how they behave. Mukarram Sahab was one of those people who helped me in looking beyond the stereotype of a stern and unyielding tribesman with his intelligence, valour, grace, and self effacing sense of humour. He humanized the area and its people for me, a city dweller who only conjured up images of Hakimullah Mehsud and the likes in reference with the tribesmen from FATA. 

Mukarram Sahab had many interesting stories about his time as a reporter in the tribal region, be it about interviewing suspected suicide bombers, traveling to remote areas on foot for stories and sneaking into difficult areas as a goat shepherd. Back in 2001, Mukarram Sahab was taken hostage by Afghan Taliban along with a French and a Pakistani journalist. All three of them were charged with spying for USA by the Taliban government.  As none of the other two journalists could speak Pashto, he was asked to interpret for them by the Taliban government in Afghanistan. He said that he would do it but he would want to be paid for his services.  He actually managed to charge the Taliban govt. for interpreting for the two journalists in captivity. I asked him how he pulled off this incredulous feat and he said that he takes his work very seriously and believe in being paid for whatever he does.  I asked him to write all such fascinating stories and share it with the world.  Mukarram Sahab agreed and said that one day he would sit down and write. He kept an archive of all his radio reports for Deewa and thought that he would transcribe it all when he can spare the time. Unfortunately, he was killed by the TTP for not giving them enough coverage on those radio reports and the world will never know about his hard to believe escapades. 

Deaths and journalists’ murders are a sad reality in Pakistan, but what irritates me most is the way local media reports these incidents. Dawn, a supposedly responsible newspaper came up with the headline “Pakistani journalist working for US media shot dead.” The News, a generally horrid newspaper came up with the headline “VoA journalist assassinated in Charsadda.” What are these reports trying to imply? That he was working for a US media house and in some way responsible for his own murder? Are we absolving his murderers of their brutality?  Does his employment for a foreign news organization make him less of a Pakistani or less of a human?  Mukarram Sahab was a Pakistani journalist working as a correspondent for Dunya TV and a stringer for VoA’s Pashto service Deewa Radio. It’s about time we claim our people and heroes and give them due credit for their courage, fearlessness, and bravery. 

Mukarram Khan Atif in Islamabad

Reporters Sans Frontier has declared Pakistan the most dangerous country for journalists second year in a row. I never thought that the first journalist to die this year would be someone I knew personally. Mukarram Sahab, you were a fine gentleman and a brave soul. May you rest in peace.

Land of rumour and hyperbole

They say there is no business like show business. The case of Pakistan, however, is a tad different and here there is no business like news business. Take any newspaper for instance; the front page would be full of statements, rhetoric, hearsay and guess work. There is hardly any good old-fashioned, solid news.

Every newspaper — national or vernacular — is wondering the state of Mansoor Ijaz’s visa application for his appearance before the judicial commission in Islamabad. Whether he has applied for the visa or not, and in case he applies for it, will he apply for a visa in Washington DC or London? Mansoor Ijaz, who vows to appear before the judicial commission yet again, even though he has made no concrete move to actualise his commitment, gets a headline. A news item like this, which is nothing but speculation and rhetoric, is usually given a prominent spot in most newspapers.

The news about the course of action advised by the coalition partners to the PPP government is one of the most prominently displayed ones, yet it is full of platitudes. The news about the army’s silence and how it is worrisome for the movers and shakers in Islamabad, is nothing but speculation. Similarly, the news about Altaf Husain talking to the Taliban and Imran Khan talking to all but the PML-N is mere political posturing.

The electronic media is worse and the events of the past couple of days are a good example of the fact that large segments of it seem to thrive only on sensationalism. Many anchors were willing to suffer coronaries and brain aneurysms to make their point. Some were so eager to ensure that they appear most earnest; they risked combustion by passionate rhetoric, if that’s possible. Dr Goebbels used propaganda as a war tool in Nazi Germany and he was quite successful in it. We, it appears, live in the age of rumours where it is used as a tool of political manoeuvring.

Similarly, the media’s news gathering is limited to a few big cities. A bomb blast in Lahore or rioting in Karachi gets maximum coverage and stays in the news for far longer than a blast in Charsadda and brutal massacre of government officials in Turbat. The lack of voices from Balochistan in the electronic media is unfair, if not criminal.

Those who sing praises of a free media should pause and ponder if the media is really doing what it is supposed to do? Does it give all the players equal opportunities to present their case? Does it posit the same pointing questions to all the players — political and apolitical — or does it do the bidding of a select group? Only this week, we have seen one TV anchor or the other championing coup, but were there any dissenting voices? If the honour of the armed forces cannot be questioned then why are we subjecting our elected representative to the repeated shame and humiliation? If the institution of judiciary is above any scrutiny — as presented by the media — then why not parliament?

Amidst all the rumours, rhetoric, conjecture, gossip, posturing and speculation, the real news gets lost somewhere. There are so many news worthy items that never get airtime because the media is busy peddling inanities.

First published in The Express Tribune.